The Directed Life

Notes and excerpts from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People

Date read: 12/18/2022

Introduction by Lowell Thomas (pages 4,10):

Leadership gravitates to the man who can talk.

The way to develop self-confidence, he [Carnegie] says, is to do the thing you fear to do [emphasis mine] and get a record of successful experiences behind you.

Quotes from here below are Carnegie’s unless otherwise noted.

Research for the book (page 14):

We read the biographies of the great men of all ages. [emphasis mine] We read the life stories of all great leaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison … we read over one hundred biographies of Theodore Roosevelt alone. We were determined to spare no time, no expense, to discover every practical idea that anyone had ever used throughout the ages to win friends and influence people.

Maximizing profit (page 26):

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others — yes, and a lot less dangerous.

The secret to Benjamin Franklin’s success (quote from Franklin — page 28):

I will speak ill of no man … and speak all the good I know of everybody.

The desire to be great (page 29):

The famous Dr. Sigmund Freud of Vienna, one of the most distinguished psychologists of the twentieth century, says that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great. [emphasis mine]

Quote from Charles Schwab on his success, which forms a driving theme for rest of the book (page 34):

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement … I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.

Henry Ford’s “one secret to success” (quote from Ford — page 42):

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get to the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own.

The one thing to take away from this book (page 48):

So rare the individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage … If out of reading this book you get just one thing: an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from his angle — if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the milestones of your career.

How to read this book — amazing advice for how to read any book (pages 52–53):

Stop frequently in your reading to think over what you are reading … Read with a red crayon, pencil, or fountain pen in your hand; and when you come across a suggestion that you feel you can use, draw a line beside it.

All it takes is two months (page 58):

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Making time for others (page 63):

Let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.

Rule #1 (page 66):

A famous old Roman poet, Publius Syrus, remarked: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” So, if you want people to like you, Rule 1 is: Become genuinely interested in other people. 

Carnegie on Andrew Carnegie (page 75):

What was the reason for Andrew Carnegie’s success? … he knew how to handle men — and that is what made him rich. Early in life, he showed a flair for organization, a genius for leadership.

The royal road (page 89):

Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most.

Ask yourself: what about this person can I honestly admire?

Six ways to make people like you (page 103):

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other man’s interest.
6. Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.

Code of personal conduct from Lincoln (quote from Lincoln — pages 108–109):

No man who is resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control … Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.

Lincoln’s drop of honey maxim (quote from Lincoln — page 128):

It is an old and true maxim “that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.

How to sell: ask for the person’s advice and help; make them feel like the purchase is their idea and not yours (ideas from stories on page 148).

The game (page 170):

That is what every successful man loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his worth, to excel, to win … the desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.

Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking (page 171):

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately (think of Socrates).
6. Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other man feel that the idea is his.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

Quote from Shakespeare I liked (page 190):

Assume a virtue if you have it not.

Nine ways to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment (page 200):

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other man save his face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Benjamin Franklin got an Assemblyman to like him after years of resentment by asking him to borrow one of the books from his personal library. Asking for a favor caused him to go from enemy to a great friend of Franklin’s (story on pages 204–205).

On Tolstoy (page 211):

This man who had once confessed that in his youth he had committed every sin imaginable — even murder — tried to follow literally the teachings of Jesus. He gave all his lands away and lived a life of poverty. He worked in the fields, chopping wood and pitching hay. He made his own shoes, swept his own room, ate out of a wooden bowl, and tried to love his enemies.

Quote from Henry James (page 216):

The first thing to learn in intercourse with others is noninterference with their own peculiar ways of being happy, provided those ways do not assume to interfere by violence with ours.